I Am Done

Sunday morning, and there’s no ache or rush to get to church.  No frenzied showers, coffee drinking, sleepy and resentful children dragged from bed.

One year ago I gave up on prayer.

The simple souls who break my heart tell you that God hears all prayers, and answers them according to His plan.  (We Anglicans have issues with Predestination and life travel plans.)  Last year my heart broke over and over with God, like a teenager with a thwarted crush.

Help me, help me, I begged Him.  Please tell me what to do.  I need you.  Send help, send me a lifeline.  Tell me what I’m doing wrong.  All prayers offered up to silence.

When I was a little girl, missing out on a father and close family, I begged Him often to love me.  So lonely and unanswered.  Couldn’t figure out what I’d done to miss out on what others had.  Loved Him so much, but just like my real father, He stayed aloof and unresponsive.

So now it’s 2013.  The love for Him stays unrequited, and like a rejected lover I accept my situation finally.  Pray for me, friends ask, but my once undimming power that once could generate them has died.  God does not want me or my prayers, so I can only offer sympathy and a hand to hold.  You do want my prayers, dried husks, whithered hope.

These things are real to me: love, sympathy, companionship, hope, family, friendship, trials, suffering, illness, death.  Humankind.  God does not love or want me, and I am done.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Prescription For Murder

MURDER...MAYHEM...MEDICINE

Ankit Mishra

Smile! Because You're Beautiful.. :)

Older Bliss

Finding Happiness and Gratitude

Writing Romance in the New Orleans Region

Winners sometimes fail but never quit.

campshaws

on the road...

Jane Austen's World

This Jane Austen blog brings Jane Austen, her novels, and the Regency Period alive through food, dress, social customs, and other 19th C. historical details related to this topic.

Dr Lindsey Fitzharris

Medical historian, Writer and Television Presenter.

%d bloggers like this: