I Am Done

Sunday morning, and there’s no ache or rush to get to church.  No frenzied showers, coffee drinking, sleepy and resentful children dragged from bed.

One year ago I gave up on prayer.

The simple souls who break my heart tell you that God hears all prayers, and answers them according to His plan.  (We Anglicans have issues with Predestination and life travel plans.)  Last year my heart broke over and over with God, like a teenager with a thwarted crush.

Help me, help me, I begged Him.  Please tell me what to do.  I need you.  Send help, send me a lifeline.  Tell me what I’m doing wrong.  All prayers offered up to silence.

When I was a little girl, missing out on a father and close family, I begged Him often to love me.  So lonely and unanswered.  Couldn’t figure out what I’d done to miss out on what others had.  Loved Him so much, but just like my real father, He stayed aloof and unresponsive.

So now it’s 2013.  The love for Him stays unrequited, and like a rejected lover I accept my situation finally.  Pray for me, friends ask, but my once undimming power that once could generate them has died.  God does not want me or my prayers, so I can only offer sympathy and a hand to hold.  You do want my prayers, dried husks, whithered hope.

These things are real to me: love, sympathy, companionship, hope, family, friendship, trials, suffering, illness, death.  Humankind.  God does not love or want me, and I am done.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Age is an Attitude, Keep Yours Young

The Alchemist's Studio

Raku pottery, vases, and gifts

That’s Not My Age

the grown-up guide to great style — edited by Alyson Walsh

eBook Prep

Your Just Write Solution

Architectural Afterlife

Preserving History Of Abandoned And Forgotten Places

Anthony Wilson

The Year of Living Deeply

BREVITY's Nonfiction Blog

(Somewhat) Daily News from the World of Literary Nonfiction


A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Texas Monthly

Covering Texas news, politics, food, history, crime, music, and everything in between for more than forty years.

%d bloggers like this: